Summer fun

Time for some blogging to pass the time...

 been a while now that i have been trying to occupy myself over the summer. I am missing uni and feel a little as if i have lost my purpose in life.

I dont like to complain, and I know I'm very fortunate to have such a loong summer break with nothing too pressing to do..... But when you've spent the last few years recovering from an illness with no occupation at all, and finally started to get back into the swing of life, its not so exciting to have time off. I've already had a long time off and would be happier keeping the momentum going.

Anyone who has suddenly found themselves unemployed will understand that at first it is kind if cool to be able to lay about all day and do what you please....but after a week or two things start to drag a bit and you find yourself wondering how to fill your time, and how best to avoid Jeremy Kyle.

Luckily the weather has been pretty glorious, and compared to the years i spent laying about in my jimjams, feeding my cats and being a recluse, it is nice to now be doing exciting things, getting outside, meeting people, and finding more interesting ways to make the most if life, (even if I am secretly nerdily waiting until i can return to my studies.)

So far into the holidays i have done some amazing things, such as:

adventures on the train, often missing my stop and ending up in new places

Reunited with old friends and had a good old catchup

Bought a new toothbrush

Gone for lots of aimless walks

Drunk a lot of coffee

Drunk a fair bit of wine

Written a few chapters of my next bestselling novel

Ripped up the Bible and made a picture out if it

Lots of doodling

Donated to charity

Babysat flo for hollie

Learnt some circus tricks

Stroked a dog

Walked a dog

Cut shapes out of leather and stuck them together into animals

Chatted to Neddy

Been to a local gig

Socialised and actually enjoyed it

Been to a bbq

Swam in the sea

Tuned and strummed my guitar

Learnt a new song on my keyboard

Some not so fun things:

Cleaned and hoovered and tidied up

Organised my stash of obsessive paper collecting into colour coordinated order

Opened my post that had been building up for a while

Had the compulsion to rearrange my furniture, a few times

Gotten stuck between the sofa, the bed and the wall

Dropped the sofa on my toe

Threw away some old socks

Faced my fear of picking up the phone, and even made some important calls

Had some training in 'being more assertive'

Twiddled my thumbs

Stared at the sky

Cheeped to the birds

Admired a bumble bee

Stared at a wall

Caught up on sleep

Stared at another wall

Hidden under my duvet

Been forced to go on a 'skills for work' training day, with the threat of loosing my income if i didnt. ... Though  it actually turned out to be ok (there was free flapjack)

Applied for few jobs and freaked out upon recieving a reply

Had a little panic

Hidden in bed a bit more

Gotten a bit bored and lonely and anxious ....and wanted someone to snap me out if it....

And then i met a real boy.... Well, a fine young man. And i talked to him?

And we shared a few things and i told him about the catlady and the craziness, and he said, is ok. I like you.

And we have been hanging out, and I'm so much happier when I'm with him.

And something very strange has happened to me, because in all my years i have never particularly  liked boys. But this one is really lovely. 

and he said, i fancy you.

And i said, i fancy you too.

And since ive met him, i have done cen note fub things. and its so much more fun not doin them on my own...have paddled in the river, ooohed and ahhhed at some 

Fireworks,

spent some pennies in the arcade, walked along the beach of an evening instead of tucking up in bed on my own, eaten some yummy food, which he cooked for me, gone to the cinema, had a little picnic, danced to my ipod.... . And i havnt felt lonely at all.

I have been quite happy to just be myself, and smiled a lot.

A lot of ridiculous smiling and giggly girliness, which has taken me by surprise a little bit. I seem to be acting a bit odd. 

he makes me laugh, and he holds my hand so im not so nervous in public :)

Now the summer holidays are fun and exciting :) 

Its sooooooooooooo gooood to be able to do all these things that i never thought i would.

And he likes my art.

And my writing, 

And he writes toooo,

And i could talk a lot about him but im not sure if i should

i have wanted to just be left alone for such a long time, and now its lovely to know that i actually am a human being, which are supposed to be social  creatures....and i dont want to be in my own anymore.

I am enjoying life and it is so much better to be out the other side of lonely catladydom and into the realm of living. 

And i have to go now because i just got a call, which i answered, excitedly, from a certain young man, who will be joining me, in 5 mins or so , which means i know longer meed to pass the time with blogging... Because im going to hang out with him, in my pjs. 

He isnt a cat and he doesnt steal my paintbrushes :)

Eeeeeeeeeeeek. 

Celebrate!

It's Neddy's birthday :)

Only joking! it's Megan's birthday. 

Meg has candy floss.

I'm actually not sure when Ned's birthday is.. He just likes to steal the limelight.

He stole this mini champagne, and is a little bit tiddled. He's such a hoot after a few drinks.

Just go steady little teddy,

And always drink responsibly. 

Love you x

Play

Layering up textures and materials and colours and shapes

1.

2.

3.

4.

Lots of little changes make for one big change.

Old tree

Here is the beginning of an old project that I started a few years ago when I was into destructing things and pulled off the back of my wardrobe and stuck on lots of text and images i had been ripping up for a while and storing in a box, and it looks like i have scribbled some 

nonsense on it with a black marker pen at some point, There is some black tissue half stuck to it too.

It has been sitting behind my kitchen door by the bin, staring at the wall for quite some time, looking untidy and gathering dust. Usually, having looked at it again, I would assume this is rubbish, that is why it's there. normally wouldnt hesitate to rip up or paint right over this embarrassment.

Well for 'these things change things' I decided to look at it for a mo and not be so critical of myself. Why do we always do that?

If I properly look at it, instead of just seeing a pile of crap... Hmmm what can I see. It is a tree. Not a very nice one. don't really remember what it was supposed to be about, or why I did it. There are lots of different faces, a clown, images of starving people, crying people and famine and words coming from the branches such as 'take action'. At the top of the tree is the word 'idea' partly covered by all the ideas overlapping. Down the trunk, lots of eyes, the words 'what about us' there are images of people protesting. At the root of the tree 'bridges not walls' , 'journaling on an empty stomach' and 'what you said'... There is a quote about a mosquito , some scribbled diagrams and the words listen up.

It doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but I know I was trying to say something, or thinking something, and it had a point. I thought if I finish it I might know the point of it.?

Have decided to add to it. I'm actually going to actually finish it.

For too long I have started things and not finished them. When is something finished?

K so i is gonna get in with that.

"If you think you're too small to make a difference, you haven't been to bed with a mosquito in your room"

Good effort

Today I was very helpful, I made 25 watermelons, 5 bigger melons and 10 poodles out of leather. I did cutting and sticking. My first day of going to work in a few years.. Not bad. ! I like this kind of work, much better than scummerfields or the chip shop . Back on Saturday. I am such a good boy :-)

Being Useful

Enough moaning, got me bloody pills and feeling much better. I am on the train as we speak, heading to boscombe where I have a little bit of work experience in a shop, Love from hetty and dave... Lots of really lovely cute crafty handmade stuff. Check out Zoe's website www.lovefromhettyanddave.co.uk

 I think I'm going to be assisting in the making of some giant fabric slugs or something, not sure...Check me out going to work! Excited, woooohoo :-)

Drugs

On the topic of things that change things.... I am reluctant to say that taking my meds proper makes a huge difference. 

I like to think I don't need them, i dont want them, but,  have realised yet again that not taking my meds as prescribed makes me feel SO ILL!!!! When will I learn??!!

I don't plan ahead very well and tend To run out on a Friday and am ok for a day then start to go wonky brains and spend the weekend all of a jitter. 

can't order any over weekend, so call Monday and get them tues, always have to go back 2 or 3 times before they actually have them...by which point I can't get my words out or sign the form very well , they must think I'm a total nutter. feels like I waste half my life waiting around at the pharmacy...

When i run out of meds, I optimistically think... well i feel pretty good so maybe dont need them anymore...then after a day or so get all dizzy and shaky and disorientated and feel sick, cant sleep at night, thoughts crazy..and then a few days later consider that this might be withdrawals. ... Maybe this would pass once they out my system and I would be fine?

I am on a much lower dose now, after cutting down myself which I do not recommend without the advice of a doctor, cos even that sent me a bit funny. Just 2 different pills, antidepressant and antipsyhotic ..and fine mood wise can manage anxiety can think pretty straight and getting to grips with life... How do I know when I I don't need them anymore? Because I'm not depressed and I'm not psyhotic. Is that cos of my pills or cos I'm normal again?

today, 3 days no meds, have been laying on my bed with a scarf around my head because the light is hurting myeyes and i feel like im gonna chunder when i move.  body aches it feels like my head is going to explode, like a hot electric thing keeps buzzing in my brains and getting bigger. Then i dizzied into asleep, woke up and panicked because i thought i had gone blind, i am all confused :-(

must start setting reminders on my phone so i dont do this to myself every few weeks. not sure if i subconsciously do it on purpose, like self sabotage, or just because i forget, or i always think it will be ok this time. 

I dont like how a couple of tiny little pills can so drastically change my ability to function! And theyre only supposd to effect my mood and thinking, how do they effect my whole body? Stupid. 

I know i feel better when i just take them. I just dont like taking them!!!! 

 

Layers

I decided to fill up an old canvas, playing with layers and marks and colour to see how it changes from something meh to something beautiful. I have a few canvas laying around facing the wall with half finished doodles on that I don't like.. soooo time for change.

If I was mindful enough to click my camera after every brush stroke, I would make a cool animation of all the layers building up.

But I am far too messy, and forgetful. But I took a few pics, and thought i would record my order of doing things for future reference, because i am forgetful. 

1.

 I ripped up the bible (some of genesis and a few psalms) to give my canvas some texture. I stuck it down with glue and some gesso round a bit of the canvas but got bored of that so mostly pva.

Note: you could use any book or papers, it does not have to take a religious format. I chose the bible because the pages are nice and thin and smooth, i'm done reading it, and there are like a billion copies of it in the world, so no big loss. Also, i have some beef with the big guy and religion in general so it felt nice to rip it up. You don't have to do a formal ceremony or anything.

This made my canvas nice and strong, a bit bumpy, and lots of nice words on it about he creation of the world .

See how these things change things? Plus, it's fun. 

2.

I splatter some ink on the page because it was running out so just poured on what was left. Then I blew it around, I think this works better with a straw. I got a bit light headed..

I think the ink looks like branches of a tree.

3. I rotated my canvas because the words were upside down and it was distracting.  Jut turning around your page changes the picture.Then I mixed up some orangy ink then sponged gesso over the top.

4. I turned my canvas around again and started stamping different shapes with bits of foam and making crazy different lines with ink and got overexcited with different colours and doodled some swirls and used the other end of my paintbrush too and a bit fingerpainting.

5.then I did some more of that and painted some yellow triangles 

6. I took a break to admire the mess I have made, have a cup of tea and blog my art attack . 

I will keep adding to it. Am just debating whether to go to bed now and think about it or just stay up all night and do it. 

I most remember to be balanced.

If I stay up all night I will be very odd and possibly grumpy tomoro, and if go to bed I will be anxious thinking about it and not finishing it..

Maybe I could add a little bit every day.

Ummm To be continued

Things that change things

This is about 4 blog posts in one because...I have been very busy...starting things and not finishing them

Since being back home from holiday, I have spent far too much time hibernating, avoiding things, procrastinating , twitching a lot and anxietying all over the place...

It is so easy to slip back Into old habits .

 So,  decided to shake it up a bit and break the mould ...enough is enough... I am young and free and have 3 months of freedom, being well and creative , witthout the responsibility of a job, i may never get is sort of free time again. 

So i am not afraid to go out, because quite frankly that is a waste of life. 

I have been geting out in the sunshine (lovely weather) and even done a couple of train journeys.

I like the train.

Here is a not so great pic of Neddy and Salvador cruising London. LONDON!

, 

I did some painting with flo... Artist in the making ...She said this is a picture of a snake and a dinosaur. I like it.

I have a summer project with the title 'these things change things' so have been thinking a lot about different things that change things.

So far I have written many lists and mind mappeded the many things that change things, only to reach the conclusion that every thing changes everything. I also started a few sketchbooks and couldnt get going because everything i did seemed rubbish, but just gotta get on with it now, none of this perfectionism nonsense. It really holds you back. 

I think every choice we make, every word we say every action we do changes something, for better or worse. The world is always changing. all things and all people and all of everything changes absolutely everything.  Deep.

So this frees me up to do whatever artings take me fancy. Even just making a mark on a page changes it, it changes depending on what material you use, what paper, what shape, how many marks, how big. you an change something by the way you draw it, what perspective, how much light is on it, just looking at it differently. You can change anything by doing anything.

Today I went to boscombe  to sarahs arty studio and drew a shell in lots of different ways, I used a feather and a oil pastel and did some dots and some lines. I tried drawing it without looking at it and just feeling it and this made some cool pictures and shapes.

I like drawing like this.

for things that change things i like the idea of how little random acts of kindness can change things. Wise Hollie randomly gave me this delightful bunch of flowers.....

and I changed from grumpy to surprised and contented...

Do i drew the flowers. 

I thought I might be able to change the world with some post it notes to cheer people up. So I went out in the sunshine an stuck little messages around Dorchester. 

Little flo my best lil friend from nextdoor helped me out

I was thinking of making a book of affirmations for my project, with the idea that saying these positive things brings hope and niceness. So been trying today nice things to myself, even if it feels like I'm lying... But fake it til you make it?

I'm going to play around with colour and the way words are written and images to go with them. I'm also doing lots of cutting and sticking and layering to play with texture using lots of different materials, and things laying around. I am recycling lots of crap that has piled up on my craft shelf and all the little torn up bits of paper I keep. I collected all the scraps of things on my floor which are now in a box for a project. There might be a couple of dead moths in there too, I like them because they are furry.

Tidying up changes things. I felt like i didn't know where to start wih artings because everything was so untidy... now i have organised all my paper into colour coordinated folders and put all my littletiny  things into jars. Now I have space to work. Here is a before and after of my space to do artings.

Messy

Tidy

I put it on a shelf. Now I have lots of space to mess it up again, yippee!

Moments that make life worthwhile

Happiness.

I had one of those moments when you feel so small and humble and happy to be alive. You know when you get overwhelmed and don't know if to laugh or cry jut that feeling of life filling you up. And everything makes so much sense but nothing really makes sense and you wander what life is all about.

But I am so happy to be alive and I feel so lucky.

Having spent the last week in sunny Spain with lovely family and doggys, I have been feeling so much more happy and chilled than in ages.

Maybe I appreciate it because it has taken a long time for me to be able to enjoy things again and feel real and here and living. Now i love the sun shining and seeing new sights and meeting new people,  And it is so good to finally be free from all that bad stuff, and I appreciate my family so much more after all that time of feeling so alone and isolating myself, and people telling me to stay away and taking away my choices when they just have no idea ... But anyway I'm just so glad to be free from it all now.

Life out of depression is amazing, and being in control of my life and going out and doing things and all these new experiences are so exciting.

Yesterday I had the most amazing experience, Could not stop smiling!!! We went to a nature park, gorgeous animals at the zoo, and You won't believe this, .... That's me in the pool with my cousin Lou , my stepfather greg and, Wilbur the Sea Lion... I swam with a SEA LION!

When he gave me a kiss and a cuddle I did not want to let him go.. He properly wrapped his flippers around me and smooched my face.  It was so sincere and loving. I love him.  was the best moment ever , moments like this make all the struggle so worth it.

On the way home after such a brilliant day, the sky was lit up as the sun set over the mountains. The sky took my breath away, all orange and pink and illuminating the mountains. It looked like there were two suns, the sun going down behind us but the sky burning bright infront of us...I've never seen anything like it. 

I took some pictures. These are completely unedited, 

isn't that amazing?

Whilst my cuz and mum were singing along to ELO and The Beatles in the car, (which I do mostly like to join in with) but was madly trying to capture the moment and thinking about the meaning of life and thought I could see heaven, I felt all weird and spiritual. Then I was just IN the moment and stopped wondering what it was all about, and just felt so happy and peaceful and alive, and happy to be right there right then.

Then there was some thunder and lighting , proper rumbles and bolts in the sky. I tried to catch it on my camera but couldn't get it.

I  have had my camera out almost every waking moment and am running out of storage space, but everything just seems so worth capturing

I like these moments when all your little problems are so insignificant....you realise the world is so incredible and big and unpredictable and lots of other stupendous words that I can't think of right now, but it just makes you go  WOW, I am lucky , and my life is freakin cool.

Anyway, I just wanted to share that I am inspired by nature and life and family, and I think I should get out like this more. I also really want a sea lion, and one of those tiny monkeys.

I'm going home tomorrow, back to my lonesome flat and probably the rain and too much pyjama wearing. But I am awake an alive and cant wait for all the experiences that life has in store, and not scared to try new things. Ok I'm a bit nervous, too many feelings.

Although excited, i am a little bit scared of going home and the long time I have off to occupy myself. My moods scare me that they can change so rapidly and having plunged from manic to the depths of despair before I am always a little afraid when I feel really happy, but I shouldn't be should i. 

.

Just got to take each moment as it comes and live it, fully. Not scared. Things are finally making so much sense! So glad to be able to spend time with my family again, and to be in control of my life. I don't believe in god but if I did would be thanking him right now.

I just feel like everything is gong to be ok.

:-)

http://gifboom.com/x/ecaf3582

Haha

Nice moves Stonhill

http://gifboom.com/x/91528a15

Bromance

Neddy found himself a companion!!! 

meet Salvador Verde.... He wears an emerald necklace . He only speaks Spanish but they have struck up a rather lovely friendship.

LOL

Just scrolled through videos on my phone and found this gem. Check out my art school buddies doing the chacha in my kitchen. Hannah is innocently washing up after a failed cupcake attempt, whilst there is a party of tea towel bustin moves going down. Makes me laugh!!! With thanks to charley and Harry, don't give up your day jobs.

Slightly obsessed with videos and animations now, especially since grasping Youtube. 

If you are my friend you are no longer safe , apologies.

Ned's Adventures

6seconds of spanish life

Got an itch there chester?!

Parrots

I took some lovely photos at the zoo yesterday , and edited these two parrots kissing to make some lovely pics. i think this image would be great repeated on a wallpaper. I love their rainbow colours.

Wild West

Today we saw some cowboys, some cancan girls and some exotic animals. Neddy made some friends in the desert.

This little monkey was very interested in Ned, he even gave him a kiss!