Drugs

On the topic of things that change things.... I am reluctant to say that taking my meds proper makes a huge difference. 

I like to think I don't need them, i dont want them, but,  have realised yet again that not taking my meds as prescribed makes me feel SO ILL!!!! When will I learn??!!

I don't plan ahead very well and tend To run out on a Friday and am ok for a day then start to go wonky brains and spend the weekend all of a jitter. 

can't order any over weekend, so call Monday and get them tues, always have to go back 2 or 3 times before they actually have them...by which point I can't get my words out or sign the form very well , they must think I'm a total nutter. feels like I waste half my life waiting around at the pharmacy...

When i run out of meds, I optimistically think... well i feel pretty good so maybe dont need them anymore...then after a day or so get all dizzy and shaky and disorientated and feel sick, cant sleep at night, thoughts crazy..and then a few days later consider that this might be withdrawals. ... Maybe this would pass once they out my system and I would be fine?

I am on a much lower dose now, after cutting down myself which I do not recommend without the advice of a doctor, cos even that sent me a bit funny. Just 2 different pills, antidepressant and antipsyhotic ..and fine mood wise can manage anxiety can think pretty straight and getting to grips with life... How do I know when I I don't need them anymore? Because I'm not depressed and I'm not psyhotic. Is that cos of my pills or cos I'm normal again?

today, 3 days no meds, have been laying on my bed with a scarf around my head because the light is hurting myeyes and i feel like im gonna chunder when i move.  body aches it feels like my head is going to explode, like a hot electric thing keeps buzzing in my brains and getting bigger. Then i dizzied into asleep, woke up and panicked because i thought i had gone blind, i am all confused :-(

must start setting reminders on my phone so i dont do this to myself every few weeks. not sure if i subconsciously do it on purpose, like self sabotage, or just because i forget, or i always think it will be ok this time. 

I dont like how a couple of tiny little pills can so drastically change my ability to function! And theyre only supposd to effect my mood and thinking, how do they effect my whole body? Stupid. 

I know i feel better when i just take them. I just dont like taking them!!!!