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Layering up textures and materials and colours and shapes

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Lots of little changes make for one big change.

Old tree

Here is the beginning of an old project that I started a few years ago when I was into destructing things and pulled off the back of my wardrobe and stuck on lots of text and images i had been ripping up for a while and storing in a box, and it looks like i have scribbled some 

nonsense on it with a black marker pen at some point, There is some black tissue half stuck to it too.

It has been sitting behind my kitchen door by the bin, staring at the wall for quite some time, looking untidy and gathering dust. Usually, having looked at it again, I would assume this is rubbish, that is why it's there. normally wouldnt hesitate to rip up or paint right over this embarrassment.

Well for 'these things change things' I decided to look at it for a mo and not be so critical of myself. Why do we always do that?

If I properly look at it, instead of just seeing a pile of crap... Hmmm what can I see. It is a tree. Not a very nice one. don't really remember what it was supposed to be about, or why I did it. There are lots of different faces, a clown, images of starving people, crying people and famine and words coming from the branches such as 'take action'. At the top of the tree is the word 'idea' partly covered by all the ideas overlapping. Down the trunk, lots of eyes, the words 'what about us' there are images of people protesting. At the root of the tree 'bridges not walls' , 'journaling on an empty stomach' and 'what you said'... There is a quote about a mosquito , some scribbled diagrams and the words listen up.

It doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but I know I was trying to say something, or thinking something, and it had a point. I thought if I finish it I might know the point of it.?

Have decided to add to it. I'm actually going to actually finish it.

For too long I have started things and not finished them. When is something finished?

K so i is gonna get in with that.

"If you think you're too small to make a difference, you haven't been to bed with a mosquito in your room"

Good effort

Today I was very helpful, I made 25 watermelons, 5 bigger melons and 10 poodles out of leather. I did cutting and sticking. My first day of going to work in a few years.. Not bad. ! I like this kind of work, much better than scummerfields or the chip shop . Back on Saturday. I am such a good boy :-)

Being Useful

Enough moaning, got me bloody pills and feeling much better. I am on the train as we speak, heading to boscombe where I have a little bit of work experience in a shop, Love from hetty and dave... Lots of really lovely cute crafty handmade stuff. Check out Zoe's website www.lovefromhettyanddave.co.uk

 I think I'm going to be assisting in the making of some giant fabric slugs or something, not sure...Check me out going to work! Excited, woooohoo :-)

Drugs

On the topic of things that change things.... I am reluctant to say that taking my meds proper makes a huge difference. 

I like to think I don't need them, i dont want them, but,  have realised yet again that not taking my meds as prescribed makes me feel SO ILL!!!! When will I learn??!!

I don't plan ahead very well and tend To run out on a Friday and am ok for a day then start to go wonky brains and spend the weekend all of a jitter. 

can't order any over weekend, so call Monday and get them tues, always have to go back 2 or 3 times before they actually have them...by which point I can't get my words out or sign the form very well , they must think I'm a total nutter. feels like I waste half my life waiting around at the pharmacy...

When i run out of meds, I optimistically think... well i feel pretty good so maybe dont need them anymore...then after a day or so get all dizzy and shaky and disorientated and feel sick, cant sleep at night, thoughts crazy..and then a few days later consider that this might be withdrawals. ... Maybe this would pass once they out my system and I would be fine?

I am on a much lower dose now, after cutting down myself which I do not recommend without the advice of a doctor, cos even that sent me a bit funny. Just 2 different pills, antidepressant and antipsyhotic ..and fine mood wise can manage anxiety can think pretty straight and getting to grips with life... How do I know when I I don't need them anymore? Because I'm not depressed and I'm not psyhotic. Is that cos of my pills or cos I'm normal again?

today, 3 days no meds, have been laying on my bed with a scarf around my head because the light is hurting myeyes and i feel like im gonna chunder when i move.  body aches it feels like my head is going to explode, like a hot electric thing keeps buzzing in my brains and getting bigger. Then i dizzied into asleep, woke up and panicked because i thought i had gone blind, i am all confused :-(

must start setting reminders on my phone so i dont do this to myself every few weeks. not sure if i subconsciously do it on purpose, like self sabotage, or just because i forget, or i always think it will be ok this time. 

I dont like how a couple of tiny little pills can so drastically change my ability to function! And theyre only supposd to effect my mood and thinking, how do they effect my whole body? Stupid. 

I know i feel better when i just take them. I just dont like taking them!!!! 

 

Layers

I decided to fill up an old canvas, playing with layers and marks and colour to see how it changes from something meh to something beautiful. I have a few canvas laying around facing the wall with half finished doodles on that I don't like.. soooo time for change.

If I was mindful enough to click my camera after every brush stroke, I would make a cool animation of all the layers building up.

But I am far too messy, and forgetful. But I took a few pics, and thought i would record my order of doing things for future reference, because i am forgetful. 

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 I ripped up the bible (some of genesis and a few psalms) to give my canvas some texture. I stuck it down with glue and some gesso round a bit of the canvas but got bored of that so mostly pva.

Note: you could use any book or papers, it does not have to take a religious format. I chose the bible because the pages are nice and thin and smooth, i'm done reading it, and there are like a billion copies of it in the world, so no big loss. Also, i have some beef with the big guy and religion in general so it felt nice to rip it up. You don't have to do a formal ceremony or anything.

This made my canvas nice and strong, a bit bumpy, and lots of nice words on it about he creation of the world .

See how these things change things? Plus, it's fun. 

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I splatter some ink on the page because it was running out so just poured on what was left. Then I blew it around, I think this works better with a straw. I got a bit light headed..

I think the ink looks like branches of a tree.

3. I rotated my canvas because the words were upside down and it was distracting.  Jut turning around your page changes the picture.Then I mixed up some orangy ink then sponged gesso over the top.

4. I turned my canvas around again and started stamping different shapes with bits of foam and making crazy different lines with ink and got overexcited with different colours and doodled some swirls and used the other end of my paintbrush too and a bit fingerpainting.

5.then I did some more of that and painted some yellow triangles 

6. I took a break to admire the mess I have made, have a cup of tea and blog my art attack . 

I will keep adding to it. Am just debating whether to go to bed now and think about it or just stay up all night and do it. 

I most remember to be balanced.

If I stay up all night I will be very odd and possibly grumpy tomoro, and if go to bed I will be anxious thinking about it and not finishing it..

Maybe I could add a little bit every day.

Ummm To be continued